Sunday, October 10, 2010

lil bit of venting........... :)

It's fall and I really love fall.

It is generally a super happy time for me. The weather is crisp the way I like it and the leaves are turning colours. It is all good.

However, I often think of my bio sister (M) this time of year, don't ask me why, she treats me like crap. But yet I still let her enter my head, and I can only attribute this to the fact that I have only ever tried to build a relationship with her based on honesty and truth, and always holding out that somehow she would one day wake up and see things as they truly were.

Unfortunately she does not value these morals very much. She has a very skewed view of how things were and how things are.

She has had her issues, Lord knows we all do.

I tried to be there and support her when her marriage was on the rocks , even though at that time I didn't know the deeper reasons. I tried as much as I could , though long distance, to be there for support and encouragement.

There was a spell of time a couple of years in fact where she would be so annoyed at my phone calls, I would be just calling her up to say hi , thinking of you , I never really had anything drop dead important to say ..but like now even ..she would just pop in my head and I would call her to let her know I was thinking of her.

I used to think it weird that this was annoying to her but I would later come to realize this was all probably partly due to the fact that she was dealing with alcohol addiction and eventually became a full on alcoholic.

I would have tried to be there for her through that too but for some reason she has always pushed me away and made me out to be this big bad person. I am after all the older one ( by all of 11 months) the instinctual big sister syndrome kicks in and I just want to be there for her.

Apparently this was not wanted by her and she would push me away and cause disagreements and twist my words and my intentions at every chance she would get to keep me further away.

You would think I would learn but no , every year I would try yet again to open the door and see if maybe her pickled brain would have sobered up and realized that maybe her view on how things are was a might clouded by her alcohol.

But no, she was still as mean and down right cruel at times as she can be. Everyone in my family has kept on saying , leave the door closed , she does not deserve you, you care too much , just let it go.

Of course I would never be able to let that happen. Always hopeful of a change and the years went on.

At one time I had my suspicions of she might happen to actually be a lesbian. I delicately said to her that if her problems were stemming from her sexual orientation that I was okay with this and that I would be there to support her.

Well, she flat out denied that this was the case and I am sure that painted me badly in her eyes yet again. Although a couple of years later she had divorced her husband, declared her lesbianism to her parents and moved in with another woman. So , I say , how bad can I really be.

I am very in tuned to people. I pick up on things.

And she has declared her new ( well I think 6 years) of sobriety over and over and this is a good thing of course. I am sure she was drinking to deal with the fear of coming out . Once she came out she no longer needed to drink.

But again, nothing has changed with us her memories of how she saw it are still her way is right and the truth and my ways are wrong. Except I have always been sober and she has been from her own account quite the drunk, but yet she cannot accept that perhaps during those years she just might have treated me badly .

She often writes on her blog ( which I read and she knows it ) in ways that boggle my mind. Talking of how important relationships are and how great things is a quick clip from her blog "I am thankful for my friends, both online and in 3D. I am thankful to be able to say I have friends I have known for 30+ years and still hold them as close in my heart as I did when we were childhood friends. And, yes, I am thankful for even the bad things that have happened in my life, for if not for those, I would not be where I am today. I am certainly thankful for getting sober and staying sober for all these years. I attribute that to my family and an online community" .I find it so sad that she pitches this in words and yet her own actions say the complete opposite.

She only likes things in the world that go her way and agree with her in the moment of her life. It must be sad to only want relationships with people when they only take your side on issues or ideas and cannot just be themselves and have likes and dislikes as well as be a friend.

I often wonder if she ever truly looks in the mirror and sees who she is and who she has become and how she actually treats people. She can't possibly or she must be totally blind.

I find it funny how her words on her blog talk of kindness and friendships and yet she treats someone who has only ever tried to honestly get to know her and be there for her like shit.

I sent her an email in the spring after coming to terms with my illness and working on getting a handle on what my new life was and one day it occurred to me yet again. That I needed to contact her . I had been so sick for so many years. Seeing so many different doctors each treating each symptom as a problem of its own and never really finding answers. Until last year getting my lupus diagnosis.

And then speaking with others of my biological family and getting a ton of health information that all would have been so much more helpful earlier on. I would have likely had a diagnosis sooner and avoided having had my liver involvement.

Anyways, I emailed her because as mean as she is and as spiteful she is toward me , we are still birth sisters, I still had this big sister syndrome thing where I feel I must do what I can to try to help her or protect her. ( unfortunately she does not feel any thing sisterly toward me) ..

I write her and tell her about my diagnosis, and that I felt she needed to know , as since it was so hard for me to get a diagnosis not having had any family health information for so long. That if by telling her of my issues etc should she ever be at a point in her life where this info might come in handy I wanted her to have it.

Well, first she made me feel like shit for contacting her, how dare I , she has her perfect world now and I intruded upon it.
Then she basically let me know that it was too bad I had lupus but in the grand scheme of her life she really couldn't give a shit.

Well, I have to admit, even though every time I open the door to her she slams it in my face , I juts did not see this coming. My family thinks I am just stupid for not seeing it coming as it is just what she does. I guess , I thought for a moment, she would see the point of what I was trying to do. I was not looking for a relationship, I was not looking for her friendship. I was mearly wanting to give her something that most adoptees would KILL for which is information of any kind on health issues. But no, she saw it as some plot or who knows what in her twisted head.

So once again in talking to both my family members and my birth family members they have all told me over and over again ., she is just a self centred , selfish , bitch. plain and simple.

And try as I have to not allow myself to see this , finally this year it was getting through to me.

I was reading her blog not long ago and she even will write little jabs at me on there, it's almost like she is a bully.

I wonder why she has to be this way.

She who says she grew up in the perfect loving family should be more secure then she acts.

Maybe deep down she has resentment of me , that must be it. But why resent me, I actually had a very abusive home where I went and all I was ever thankful for was in knowing she did not have to go through such a thing.

oh * sigh* I will never figure her out.

But I know who I am , I know the loyal loving caring friend I have been to those in my life, and it is sad that she will never allow herself to get over her issues and find out for herself who I am.

She's missing out on a pretty awesome person, I sleep well at night all the time, I know who I am and very much like who I am and who I have become.

And I am learning to accept that she is not who I thought she was all those years, I have to see her for who she really is and that is the hardest part because I do not like who she really is. I like the idea of she is my baby sister, my blood, my family...but now after all this time I am learning to get rid of the fantasy of who she is and how we could be and see it the way she is and the way it is.

She just doesn't deserve me in her life and I deserve better than to keep trying to make it work all the time. The others in my birth family have moved on very well past her, they saw her ways long ago, and she is basically dead to them, it seems so harsh but yet by doing that they have not allowed her to hurt them time and time again. I need to do the same as they have and put her and the past and all that behind me and move on.


Shauna said...

Hiya Karatemom!

I'm so glad that I came over here and had a chance to read your blog posts. This subject is one that I can fully relate is like our neighbors: We can't CHOOSE them.

My heart goes out to you and I know that living with an Invisible Illness is tough for some of those the closest to us to understand. I have come to believe that they are truly scared of it happening to them, and if they just stay away, (or, also as with you, feel the need to berate us when they know 100% that we are already dealing with illness/pain daily,) they will not ever have to go outside their own realm of comfort ...because God forbid, they may feel that we are asking for help.

I was blessed with an overflowing cup of empathy, and in my nursing profession, I am able to give away this very needed emotion. (Hoping to get back to work soon, I'll be writing about a hopeful procedure soon in a blog post), Yet I see only one of many siblings truly making a real effort to help me in my life, the exact way that I need help. I am blessed with a caring sister, so much that it makes the others look like I have died or something! Well, one sib does talk to me now and again, but it is sis that has made it her pleasure to help me out with the hardest things in my life. Now THAT is true caring.

I'll be back to read more, and I'm so glad that you stopped by my blog, so that I could 'meet' you, and see the beginning of another wonderful online friendship!

Gentle Hugs----<3

karatemom said...

hello there Shauna...
thanks for dropping by and leaving me your note. it is such a help to know that others can see our point of view especially when those near to us can't seem to grasp it and then we think it must be us.

I agree with you about somehow others feel that by acknowledging us it will somehow happen to them. I don't get it but I think there is truth to it.

I am pleased to hear you have been blessed with empathy and understanding. It can make or break us for sure.

I am struggling with the realization she will never ever change, she blames me for it not working out but I know I am the one willing to work take the time to work through our differences and find ways to cope. With her first sign of any "work" she bails but dumps on me first.

It is all so ridiculous really , I think there was so much we could have given to each other in this life. and yes, sometimes there would be differences and disagreements but hey ..even every good marriage has those..its to be expected and you just work through them but uh ..I go round and round in my head trying to figure out why she wont even try .

I know I need to move on..I am trying. making new friends of course will help fill those voids so thank you for sharing with me :)
I will be over to visit you more as well.